This is a snapshot of my journal.
I spent a rough night with my journal staring at my fear that has been invited in by the comparison demon
(I really especially detest this demon in particular)
I've been watching too many webinars, spending too much time researching online and checking out other people's stuff. Listening and reading about so many fabulous artists and business people doing amazing things is helpful to a point and I celebrate their greatness but then I start to hold myself up to what I'm seeing and I start to question and doubt. I've been here many times before and this is exactly when I start to dis-assemble my dreams. I start to tear them down, piece by piece.
I know that's what I do. I can't even tell you how many times I have turned back from grand ideas. But I can't keep responding in the same ways if I want to move forward. So, instead I wrote down all the things that I was afraid of at that moment. I wrote them and I sat there with them. I didn't try to push them away. I didn't even try to analyze them. I just let them be with me.
Then I decided it was time to get out of my head and move around. I folded laundry and then I started to sketch. I became focused on the lines and shading and I stopped thinking and comparing and questioning. I stopped beating myself with my brain. I love how creating can do that. How it quiets my chaotic mind. It's a completely different way of helping me see.
I also called up the words of my mentor, Connie Hozvicka, who said:
"Don't let what other people are doing discourage you-you're going to do it your way. Don't pay too much attention to what other people are doing-don't even look at it!"
And she is exactly right. I love my way! I'm not even sure what it's going to include yet. I'm still turning ideas over in my mind. Will it involve kids? My daughter? Do I want to teach? Live teaching? Online? What exactly do I want to share? Creativity? Business? Some combo thereof? Neither? Who do I want to share it with? I'm spending much time working this out and it's starting to come together, as long as I don't pull the thread and unwind it all.
So for now, I'm going to take a break from webinars and looking at other people's stuff, and spend more time creating my own.