TRUST is my word right now.
Not necessarily for the New Year, but for now.
It's not the kind of trust that first comes to mind, like trusting a friend with a secret or trusting someone with your life savings.
No. It's a different kind of trust.
The kind that is a deep knowing and believing that everything that happens is what is supposed to happen.
Even if right now it seems sucky.
And you hate it.
And it feels like the worst thing that could possibly happen.
Thing is, you can't possibly know that.
You can't know that it would be better the way YOU wanted it to go.
You only have what IS. What actually happened.
You can rail against it, but it still is, and you only suffer in fighting it.
So, you have a choice.
You can suffer and replay in your mind how things SHOULD be different.
Or, you can choose to trust.
Trust that the reason will some day become apparent.
You just can't see it right yet, with the mighty shoulds blinding you.
But inside this thing that you are suffering, might be a gift that takes some time to come into the light.
It may even turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.
The thing is, I know this about trust.
I know it in my head.
But painting is teaching me to experience it.
To push up against the edge of something that I want to be different and to not give up because I don't like it. It gets to a point where you just surrender what it looks like and paint what you feel.
And that's when it starts to get good...
Pick up a paintbrush. Put down a line. A shape. A mash of colors. You might come to a place of having serious issues with what you've done.
You might lose faith in your "so called abilities".
You may think you have no business even picking up a paintbrush.
BUT....if you can stay with it-if you can sit in that place of discomfort and angst, if you can just keep going even though you would rather put down your brush and weep-if you KEEP GOING with trust in your heart-eventually you will find what you came to the canvas to paint.
It might take a LOT of layers.
It might even take many transformations.
It is not your business to know how it SHOULD unfold.
It is your job to stay and continue on.
Do the work and watch what shows up.
On your canvas and in your life.
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